As you all know, I am training for the NYC Half Marathon in March 2014.
When I became pregnant with my first son 8 years ago, I was in the middle of training to run a full marathon. With mom-life kicking in and then the arrival of one more baby, I had not run or trained for years. So coming back into the running lifestyle has been an interesting experience for me. Here's one of the most poignant moments.
I started training by running for 30 minutes on the treadmill.
Just getting my body back into the habit of running. Naturally, I did not start
off running the whole 30 minutes, I would walk some of the time. Within a
couple of weeks, I was able to run the whole distance and even increased it to
45 minutes. So, with the snow from the last storm melting away, I figured it
was time to try for a run in the park. I went to Prospect Park, and began my
run. The Prospect Park loop is 3.35 miles long, which is about the distance I
run on the treadmill, so this should be good, I thought.
Within the first 5 minutes, I was looking longingly back at the
park exit that led to where my car was parked. I felt the cold air burning my
lungs, and the lady in front of me that I thought I could pace myself by, was
suddenly far ahead of me.
"This is going to be impossible" I thought.
But then I reminded myself of “the zone" that runners reach
after a while and I told myself I just needed to push myself long enough to get
to "the zone"; after that, I wouldn't feel a thing. So on I went.
Any runner knows that running outside is a lot more work than
running on the treadmill. But it's also so much more fun and more fulfilling.
You get to enjoy the scenery, the other runners, the fresh air...it's awesome,
I love it!
BUT!!!!....at about half the distance, approaching yet another
incline, I did not hit "the zone"...I hit a MELT DOWN!!
Seriously!
I was looking at the upcoming hill (not that steep I might add)
and someone much older than me in an old NYC Marathon T-shirt came running by
me effortlessly. She ran up the hill and disappeared from sight in minutes,
while I was left puffing and panting heavily, forcing my way up the hill, and
it hit me...
"What the Hell are you thinking signing up for a Half
Marathon???" "Who do you think you are??" "You have not run
consistently since you were pregnant with your seven year old son!...and you
are a lot heavier than you were back then...You really think you can just come
up here and run a half marathon like it's nothing??" "Like you
deserve it???" "Like you could succeed at this???" "Or at
anything for that matter!” “Look at you, fat and slobby dragging yourself up
here...girl, who are you kidding???” “You are a loser!!” “You know you are a
loser...look at you, look at your life...what have you done???” “when have you
ever succeeded?” “You think now will be any different??” “and of all things to
try to succeed at, you pick a half marathon???” “HA! You suck!!!”
I am not lying to you...these were my exact thoughts! And with
each thought, my steps grew shorter and heavier, till I was almost at a standstill.
I looked around and there was no one is sight. Every runner, even the slow
ones, had passed me, and the cyclers were long gone. I was alone. Tears
exploded from my eyes.
I wanted to stop moving, but I couldn't because no matter what, I
needed to complete the loop in order to get back to my car. So I just kept
walking. My tears freezing on my face as they fell. I didn't even bother wiping
them off.
I never felt more like a failure.
I wanted to die. Couldn't I just have a heart attack here and now
with no one around to save me? I can't do it!! I can't do anything!!! What is
the good of me???
And then out of my deep and desperate breaths came my coach - ME!
And she kicked my butt. "Girl! You better get moving and get
to that finish line! What are you here sobbing like a baby for? You are wasting
precious time! All this time crying here, you could have gotten three quarters
of the way by now! How the hell are you gonna say you HAVE completed something
if you are not going to keep going and complete it? Just keep going and do it!
See how much of a loser you'll feel like when you have actually stuck with it
and done it.
What'd you wanna die for now? So that everyone will come and look
at you and say...oh poor loser, she tried and she died! That’s the story you
want your children to hear? Get up and GO!!! Time enough for death. Now is for
living. Living is doing! Challenging yourself! Leaving your comfort zone and
experiencing ALL that life has to give. And loving it!! and loving you loving
it!!
And right there I knew it....It wasn’t just about not
'achieving'...and not ‘believing in myself’....the root of it was not LOVING
myself.
I cried out loud "45 years old and I still haven’t found self
love"
Coach-ME responded "well, don't you think it's about
time?" "Finish it, do it, no matter what, no matter how hard..do it!
And then let your inner devil try to
tell you that you CAN'T!...You will know for a FACT...that the devil is a
liar...you will have evidence of it. Go! Finish the race! Nobody cares if they
are taking down the finish line by the time you get to it. This is for YOU! And
YOU would have completed the race. YOU would have WON!
So you see that next traffic light up there? When you get to it, I
want you to pick up the pace again and run to the next one. And then slow down
again and walk to the next light IF you feel you need to...otherwise, just keep
on running. You CAN do this and you WILL do it!
"Ok!" I nodded in response and I dragged myself up to
the light, took a deep breath and started running down hill...it was a very
short break before I was faced with the next incline, but I didn't stop, I was
slow, but I kept on running. I caught up with some other runners and strollers
and the day just seemed to open up. Round the next turn, over a little bridge
and Lo and Behold...the end!
I had made it!!!
I cried and gave thanks as I came to a stop and leaned on a wall
for support.
I had met an angel on this run and I knew it!
Just like when Jacob fought with an angel all night long and
demanded a blessing. I had fought through and I received my blessing...I found self
love! self worth! self belief!
It might just be the beginning of the journey, but at least I am
on it.
I AM going to run this race!
It’s only 13.1 miles and it's going to change my life forever!
No comments:
Post a Comment