The List

Oh I am so proud of me!!!

I stuck with my challenge. I did my 20 minutes workout and here is my post for today...I wrote FOUR pages!

I think I deserve a good night's sleep. Bon Nuit!

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THE LIST

Ok, time to identify some things to work on in order to start “Living my Best Life”

I have come up with FOUR really huge items, so even though the number is small, it will be no small feat to implement them. They are arranged in the order in which I will implement them….not that each will be completed to perfection before the next starts.

Here we go:

1 -  Commit! Commit to stick to it.

Whatever it takes to succeed at living my best life, No Matter What!!!

We have already talked about commitment a bit. But just to reiterate and borrowing from Lisa Nichols of The Secret movie fame, you must have a mind set of doing whatever it takes to get to where you want to be No Matter What!!! You need the No Matter What because there are sure to be countless obstacles and distractions along the way…but keep your eyes on the prize and get it No Matter What!!!

I have a “No Matter What” bracelet that I wear. It was from some other challenge I dropped out of earlier in the year, but it will serve a good purpose now as a reminder to myself that this is not a game. This is serious. I have children that will follow my example one day…and how awful if they were to follow the example of an unhappy, unhealthy loser???

I am breaking out of this self destructive cycle – No Matter What!!!!

2 – Feel good about myself

This is a very serious item. It has been a looooong time since I could with pleasure and conviction say that I feel good about myself.

A long time ago, I felt that there was so much I was going to do. I felt I had so much to give. I looked and felt good. I treated myself well.

That is not to say that under it all, there were no problems…I always had a touch of depression that I carried with me from childhood, but overall, I was in a good place mentally and emotionally.

Things have changed a lot. My life has become quite an unhealthy one. More junk food, more stress, more work, more demands, less exercise, less time for self, less treats, less sanity.

I feel and look frumpy. And because I feel this way…I don’t bother to make an effort to make it any different. It’s a Catch 22. My hair is usually a mess, I haven’t gone clothes shopping since I bought a dress to wear for the Oprah OWN talk show auditions (that was last June) and I sometimes wear my old maternity clothes because I have put on too much weight to fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes.

If anyone needed an Oprah Makeover…I do!

And even with all the work that I know I do well and the obligations that I meet without fail, I often feel like I am incompetent and unworthy.

Needless to say, these feelings begin to manifest in my life.

And even more needless to say….this has to stop!!!

I AM worthy at least of a trip to the hair and nail salon. I deserve to look halfway decent when I go to work. My son should not have to be embarrassed when his mom comes to pick him up from school – luckily he is still too young to notice. Phew! My life partner should not have to look past what I have become to still feel attracted to me – For some odd reason, even though he is in full support of me losing weight and getting more healthy…he still seems to love me and enjoy my company. Phew…Thank God!

So here are some actions I am taking in order to begin feeling a little better about myself:

A.      As you already know, I have teamed up with my good friend to work on and stick to a weight loss plan that will include healthy eating habits, food journaling and a consistent work out regiment – Nothing boosts your self esteem like a good work out.

B.      I am right now, typing this post under the hair dryer. Yes, I went to the Hair Salon and am getting my hair relaxed, cut and styled (that is a whole other topic that we can address at a later time). Tomorrow I will be the first person in the Nail Salon to get a manicure and pedicure – whew…much needed. So the point of number 2 is I am going to take the time and make the effort to ‘spruce up’ myself.  I deserve that.

C.      Give Thanks With a Grateful Heart! Remember the gratitude journal? Every day I will count my blessings. Even when I am in a hurry, rushing down the street or in a stressful situation at work, I will find something to give thanks for.

D.      I will stop being mean to and hard on myself. Negative self chatter must no longer be internalized. When the voices come, Shut them up!!! Turn from them!!! “get thee behind me”!!! or simply respond to them with Praise!!!

I am certain that this will somehow feed into the next one…

3 – Be a PRESENT mother

And by that I don’t mean, being an over possessive, don’t-give-the-kids-a-chance-to-breathe mom. But I mean to actually BE in the moment when I am with my children. To be PRESENT with them. To LISTEN to them in the here and now, and to LOVE them in word, thought and action.

A look back at a recent Oprah show in which Toni Morrison spoke about a time when she gave her young son a half hearted response to a drawing he’d shown her. Even though her words said it was a nice drawing, her being was not in it. He sensed that, interpreted it as her not approving of his drawing, and promptly tore it up.

The awesome (in my humble opinion) Ms. Morrison also said that you should light up when your child enters the room.

Here’s my truth: I pick up my older son from school on my way home from work. I was rushing to get there on time, so I am just relieved that I made it. I make every effort to be appropriately polite to the teacher and I rush my son home, thinking all the way of what still needs to be accomplished before the day is done. I get home and my younger son and my partner welcome me. I barely get a smile out as I see the older one wearing his shoes on the rug as he runs to the bathroom or the younger one spilling his juice in his excitement. Yes, I feign excitement. Of course I AM happy to see them and I love them dearly….but I am not HERE!!!

At weekends I try my best to do fun things and expose them to all the wonders of the world around them, but my mind is already back at the office or in some other fretful curve ball life has thrown my way.

I make sure they learn a lot, I make sure they go to a good school, I make sure they are clean and healthy, but just about every night, I am over come with guilt, because I feel like I wasn’t there in the moment they needed me.

I remember another Oprah guest: Michael J. Fox saying that Parkinson’s disease had made him appreciate his family so much more. He said there is never a TV show or situation more important than one of his kids coming to him about anything.

Every time I say “just a minute…” to my kids as I am watching TV, I think of that.

So this is a big one for me – to be a PRESENT mom.

4 – Break out of the Corporate Trap!!!

It was hard to decide if this step should have come first. So many of my problems have their root in my job. But I think it is right to be the last step on my this my first list, because all the other items I can start right away, but leaving my job is something that takes a little planning and some notice.

I work in a Fortune 500 company and though it is listed as one of the best companies to work for and one of the very best for moms…and this is actually true…but it still lends to insensitive corporate culture and to the ultimate importance of the bottom line.

A company where it once felt like everyone was family now has everyone on high alert wondering if today it will be their turn to be sent home. No longer are people committed to the well-being of the company and the customers, everyone’s attitude has been reduced to “ I just work here””hey, I’m just happy I have a job”

That is life???

This is what we get up every morning for???

I see it as cold blooded murder!

Killing peoples’ spirits! A little more every day! And we are so desperate for the paycheck, we accept it!

Well, my Spirit is on the verge of death. Not only am I in a J-O-B that does not appreciate me, but I haven’t a lick of passion for what I do or whom I do it for.

It was not my plan to stay too long, but after my children were born, felt I had to stay put for security reasons. But what security???

As Oprah so rightly reminded us in her farewell show – it’s all about the passion. Not talking about being rich. Not talking about being famous, but talking about plain old “joie de vivre”

The joy of living!

Do we even remember what that is? Or how it feels?

They say when you love what you do, you never work a day in your life.

I have worked enough! Now I want passion!!!

And the first step, against all odds and against all conventional wisdom in this economy, is to just quit.

Latest date to give my notice is July 31^st, 2011.

I have threatened to do it so often, no one even takes me seriously anymore. It’s just like Oprah ending the show. And this time it was real….and this time for me…it will be real!