Time, Love and Tenderness

A hit song by Michael Bolton brings home some truths at a time of hurt and disappointment.

Something happened to me yesterday that caused me to feel hurt. And I feel disappointment, more at myself for allowing myself to feel hurt, than at the person for hurting me.

I know for sure that the hurt was not done intentionally, so I can not fault the person. But I have the choice of how to react. And it hurts that I feel hurt. I would love to just be able to say “Hey, all is as it should be and it is well”

I do say that, and deep inside my spirit self I feel and believe that, but my ego self, and my physical self finds it hard not the feel the hurt.

So here’s what I am learning:

First of all, do NOT try to resist the feeling. Don’t try to talk yourself out of feeling hurt. And don’t try to mask it. For one thing, it doesn't work! For another, the more you resist it, the more you will feel it and the worse it gets. Deeper and more painful each time you try to resist it.

So don’t resist. Feel it! Welcome the feeling. Embrace it with LOVE.

Yes, I see that hurt. I feel that hurt. I am willing to feel that hurt, I understand why I feel that hurt. I embrace that understanding and that hurt with love. And I embrace myself with love. Hug myself as I would hug a hurting child, and comfort myself.

Secondly, repeat! Again and again, as long as it takes, every time the hurt arises again…and it will! It takes TIME to “get over it”, whatever ‘it’ is.

Thirdly, be gentle with yourself. Don’t be hard on yourself for finding yourself in this situation. You did not choose it even if on some unconscious level you may have attracted the situation to yourself. But still…don’t be hard on yourself, be gentle, be kind, be TENDER.

So Michael Bolton is not wrong. 

But the better news is that you needn't look for these things in someone else. Find them in yourself. That is where the true healing will take place. Give yourself the Time, Love and Tenderness you need.

If you seek it from someone else…sooner or later, you will be back at square one…hurt, disappointed, and alone.

But if you find love in yourself…it will NEVER happen again, because even if you do get let down again…and you will….you will be left with the one person who will never leave you nor forsake you…YOU! So love YOU!

There is no loss in Divine Mind

“There is no loss in Divine Mind” – Florence Scovel Shinn, The Game of Life

It is always extremely exciting when you can put the words you study to the test.  I was able to experience Ms. Shinn’s quote recently.

I had arrived home from picking up the children in the car. We parked the car on the street because there was too much snow and ice in our driveway. I let the children out and then attended to my own things, bag lady that I am. Grabbed everything and headed into the house.

A few hours later, I remembered that I needed to respond to someone’s text from earlier and I reached for my bag to get out my phone. The phone was not in the bag. I was confused. Surely, I had put the phone in there. Or had I taken it out at some point? I looked again. Turned my bag upside down and poured out everything. No phone!

Ran downstairs and looked through coats and coat pockets, everyone’s backpacks etc etc. No phone!

Ran out to the car and did a thorough search. Also searched all the area around the car and the driveway. No luck!

Called the phone company up, ready to cancel the phone and get a new one. I repeatedly called my phone from the land line just in case someone would pick it up, to no avail.

I felt so upset I began taking it out on the poor kids. Yelling that I was mad that I had lost my phone and that they had better stay out of my way because I would take out my anger on them.

In the midst of my anger, I began to tell myself to remain calm. Remember Florence Scovel Shinn said “There is no loss in Divine Mind. Either this phone will be returned to me or I will get its equivalent, or better”

Just then, my land line rang, and it showed my cell phone number on the caller ID.

“You found my phone!!” I screamed excitedly into phone

The poor guy on the other end didn’t know what to say.

As it turned out, an elderly gentleman had picked up the found where he found it in the snow on my street where it must have dropped from my hands, and had taken it to a nearby Radio Shack. And they called me from there.

I was so excited and thankful, I ran to the Radio Shack and gave the gentleman a reward.

I will never again doubt God or my words of affirmation.

I was certain this phone was gone. I have experienced losing my phone this way before, so I was ready to accept my fate, but lo and behold…here it was…my phone returned to me by a very rare incidence of honesty. I would call this a miracle!

Amazing!

Discovering Self-Love in a Marathon

As you all know, I am training for the NYC Half Marathon in March 2014.

When I became pregnant with my first son 8 years ago, I was in the middle of training to run a full marathon. With mom-life kicking in and then the arrival of one more baby, I had not run or trained for years. So coming back into the running lifestyle has been an interesting experience for me. Here's one of the most poignant moments.

I started training by running for 30 minutes on the treadmill. Just getting my body back into the habit of running. Naturally, I did not start off running the whole 30 minutes, I would walk some of the time. Within a couple of weeks, I was able to run the whole distance and even increased it to 45 minutes. So, with the snow from the last storm melting away, I figured it was time to try for a run in the park. I went to Prospect Park, and began my run. The Prospect Park loop is 3.35 miles long, which is about the distance I run on the treadmill, so this should be good, I thought.

Within the first 5 minutes, I was looking longingly back at the park exit that led to where my car was parked. I felt the cold air burning my lungs, and the lady in front of me that I thought I could pace myself by, was suddenly far ahead of me.

"This is going to be impossible" I thought.

But then I reminded myself of “the zone" that runners reach after a while and I told myself I just needed to push myself long enough to get to "the zone"; after that, I wouldn't feel a thing. So on I went.

Any runner knows that running outside is a lot more work than running on the treadmill. But it's also so much more fun and more fulfilling. You get to enjoy the scenery, the other runners, the fresh air...it's awesome, I love it!

BUT!!!!....at about half the distance, approaching yet another incline, I did not hit "the zone"...I hit a MELT DOWN!!

Seriously!

I was looking at the upcoming hill (not that steep I might add) and someone much older than me in an old NYC Marathon T-shirt came running by me effortlessly. She ran up the hill and disappeared from sight in minutes, while I was left puffing and panting heavily, forcing my way up the hill, and it hit me...

"What the Hell are you thinking signing up for a Half Marathon???" "Who do you think you are??" "You have not run consistently since you were pregnant with your seven year old son!...and you are a lot heavier than you were back then...You really think you can just come up here and run a half marathon like it's nothing??" "Like you deserve it???" "Like you could succeed at this???" "Or at anything for that matter!” “Look at you, fat and slobby dragging yourself up here...girl, who are you kidding???” “You are a loser!!” “You know you are a loser...look at you, look at your life...what have you done???” “when have you ever succeeded?” “You think now will be any different??” “and of all things to try to succeed at, you pick a half marathon???” “HA! You suck!!!”

I am not lying to you...these were my exact thoughts! And with each thought, my steps grew shorter and heavier, till I was almost at a standstill. I looked around and there was no one is sight. Every runner, even the slow ones, had passed me, and the cyclers were long gone. I was alone. Tears exploded from my eyes. 

I wanted to stop moving, but I couldn't because no matter what, I needed to complete the loop in order to get back to my car. So I just kept walking. My tears freezing on my face as they fell. I didn't even bother wiping them off.

I never felt more like a failure.

I wanted to die. Couldn't I just have a heart attack here and now with no one around to save me? I can't do it!! I can't do anything!!! What is the good of me???

And then out of my deep and desperate breaths came my coach - ME!

And she kicked my butt. "Girl! You better get moving and get to that finish line! What are you here sobbing like a baby for? You are wasting precious time! All this time crying here, you could have gotten three quarters of the way by now! How the hell are you gonna say you HAVE completed something if you are not going to keep going and complete it? Just keep going and do it! See how much of a loser you'll feel like when you have actually stuck with it and done it. 

What'd you wanna die for now? So that everyone will come and look at you and say...oh poor loser, she tried and she died! That’s the story you want your children to hear? Get up and GO!!! Time enough for death. Now is for living. Living is doing! Challenging yourself! Leaving your comfort zone and experiencing ALL that life has to give. And loving it!! and loving you loving it!!

And right there I knew it....It wasn’t just about not 'achieving'...and not ‘believing in myself’....the root of it was not LOVING myself. 

I cried out loud "45 years old and I still haven’t found self love" 

Coach-ME responded "well, don't you think it's about time?" "Finish it, do it, no matter what, no matter how hard..do it! And then let your inner devil try to tell you that you CAN'T!...You will know for a FACT...that the devil is a liar...you will have evidence of it. Go! Finish the race! Nobody cares if they are taking down the finish line by the time you get to it. This is for YOU! And YOU would have completed the race. YOU would have WON!

So you see that next traffic light up there? When you get to it, I want you to pick up the pace again and run to the next one. And then slow down again and walk to the next light IF you feel you need to...otherwise, just keep on running. You CAN do this and you WILL do it!

"Ok!" I nodded in response and I dragged myself up to the light, took a deep breath and started running down hill...it was a very short break before I was faced with the next incline, but I didn't stop, I was slow, but I kept on running. I caught up with some other runners and strollers and the day just seemed to open up. Round the next turn, over a little bridge and Lo and Behold...the end! 

I had made it!!!

I cried and gave thanks as I came to a stop and leaned on a wall for support.

I had met an angel on this run and I knew it!

Just like when Jacob fought with an angel all night long and demanded a blessing. I had fought through and I received my blessing...I found self love! self worth! self belief!

It might just be the beginning of the journey, but at least I am on it.

I AM going to run this race!

It’s only 13.1 miles and it's going to change my life forever!

January 2014 in Review

Life Weights to Lose Weight Program - You are supposed to do this three times a week for 12 weeks. I am in week 4, but I have not been consistent. I have gone every week, but not always 3 times. Somehow scheduling gets in the way. But I realize that this is an excuse. So I'll need to work on that as I go forward.

The good thing is, I have not given up. Which is what I usually do when I find I am slacking. I usually just say "Hey, I've messed up, why bother continuing?" and then I quit with the 'intention' of picking up again at some later date or time. Well, here are two sayings I have for that: 1) Hell is paved with good intentions 2) Tomorrow is not promised. Now is all the time we have.

So I guess I can say that I AM better than I used to be, seems I HAVE grown some after all...because I did not quit. I am just keeping on keeping on. :-) Yay!!!

Marathon Training - Well, I mean HALF marathon LOL! I am loving it and I am learning a great deal about myself in the process. Please read my post "Discovering Self-Love in a Marathon" for the scoop on how my physical training is affecting me.
But also, there is the fundraising aspect of this race that is new to me.
The first time I was signed up for a Marathon, I did not actually sign up. I was riding on the coat tails of my friend who had signed up and was raising funds. I did not want to make the commitment to raise funds.
With my new outlook on prosperity, and understanding that giving is receiving, (not to mention me just stepping out of my comfort zone), I now see how committing to raise funds, not only strengthens my commitment to the race, but also opens the way for money to come through me. Each donation provides the most amazing feeling of abundance which is the perfect vibration to be having when you are working to increase financial prosperity in your life. Remember the Universe matches your vibrations.
So I am feeling really good about it all. I feel fully alive. It's wonderful, and it's wonderful to be able to see how I have missed out all these years when I would not take part in opportunities to give.
I always thought I was a giving person, because I am generous with my time and energy, but Spirit is showing me where I have been falling short as far as giving money is concerned. A great lesson. Thank you!

Business - Again, I must confess my lack of consistency. This is NOT acceptable at all! The deal is that I am to do the work CONSISTENTLY for 90 days and evaluate the results. This means blogging and promoting every day for 90 days...Well, it's February the 2nd and I have 14 posts to my name since January 1st....That does not add up, does it??? Ok, I know I was giving myself props for not quitting when I was talking about the weight lifting program above, but this is different.

You can NOT run a business 'SOME of the time' and hope to reap 'ALL of the time' results...it's not going to happen!

So it's time to buckle up and do this for real.

EVERY day, for 90 days! no excuses!

Check back next month! :-)

NOW is the time!!!

I am in a somber mood today.

Just learned about the loss of a good friend who passed on over the weekend at the tender age of 47, leaving behind a wife with 3 young kids. The consolation is that he always lived as he wanted to. He was a brilliant and dedicated doctor, was devoted to his wife and kids, loved life and was always ready for a good time with laughter and joy.

I heard the news just when I was fussing about something that was troubling me. But news like this puts everything in perspective, doesn't it? Suddenly, all my fussing was no longer of any importance.

So, I say to myself...I am just two years younger than this guy was...what if I had only two years left? How would I spend it? as a dedicated slave to the corporate structure? Or living a life of passion and joy with the love of family and friends.

The answer is easy of course and I hardly think you would answer it any differently. So if 2 years is all that's left.....there is literally NO time...NOW is all there is. And even if we did have another 100 years...NOW is truly all there is.

So, look no further, think no more. TODAY is the day that you can take that first step towards fulfilling that dream. TODAY is the day that you can start to live the life you want. Take that leap, go ahead...jump. Your wings of Faith will spread out and bear you up, I promise. But don't wait another minute...there is no next minute...there is no tomorrow....today is the day, now is the time...NOW is all we have. Don't waste it!

Sending you Divine Love,

Susan

Martin Luther King Day

Hey everyone!
Do you remember this one???

This is the first time I saw Whitney Houston, and I was blown away by her beauty, her smile and her voice. I kept asking..."who IS that??" LOL What a story that turned out to be. God bless her.

But more importantly for right now, let's not forget what Martin Luther King Jr. stood for.
And let us each in our own way carry on his message....we still have a long way to go, but that dream that he had?...will come true!

Are you complaining? Or rejoicing?

“EVERYTHING is self-induced. EVERYTHING is created from the inside, out. EVERYTHING is vibrationally based. And you have control over all of that if you just get happy and stay there.“

Abraham Hicks, 7/8 2007

It's a hard pill to swallow, but the responsibility for your happiness is YOURS!

Goals for Q1 2014

Unlike last year when I was totally stumped about what goals to set, this year, things are much clearer.
I know what I want to achieve and also when I want to achieve it.
I also plan to be putting the Law of Attraction to work in every area of my life for the entire year. So all of my goals have the visualization and affirmation aspect and are featured in my vision notebook (don't feel like making a board)

Getting things started, here are my three big goals for the first quarter of this year:

1) to complete the 12 week "Lift Weights to Lose Weight" program by Kathy Smith. I had already started this in December, but I have started it many times and not completed it. This time I intend to complete it. This makes my visits to the Gym non-negotiable! I like that.
By the way, I don't think I ever gave you a follow up to my weight loss goal late last year. I have in fact lost 25lbs. But I will feature my before and after pictures after I complete this program.

2) to run a half marathon in March. I already signed up. No backing out! I have been saying that I want to take running seriously again and that I would run the NY Marathon this year. Well, that's not until November, so what better way to get going and be serious about it, than by signing up for an earlier, shorter race :-) So yeah...here I go!
Another thing about this half marathon, is the fund raising aspect. I ALWAYS shied away from this. But with my new mindset, asking for money to HELP people in need, is something that I refuse to let fear get in the way of. So that is another reason I signed up. I only need to raise $1000...that is totally doable!

3) to reach at substantial paid earning level in my new Affiliate Marketing business by the end of March. There is a specific number in mind, but I will not divulge that number until I report on my success at the end of the given time.

 If you would like to learn more about the Empower Network, click on the image below. 

And these are my three main goals for the first part of the year. Let's get to it!

If

Coming out of your closet...any closet!!!

I love this speech by Ash Beckham about overcoming the fear of who you are.
It's not about being gay or straight...it's about being authentically you.

Enjoy!

Make Money Blogging! 

2014 - Going Forward with the Law of Attraction

As I mentioned earlier, I have been working on manifesting the Law of Attraction in my life more.

Even saying that is wrong since the LOA is ever at work in our lives, whether we think about it or not. But I have chosen to be more conscious of it and to work WITH it.

I have been paying attention to my thoughts and feeling and have been focusing on what I want to manifest.

Of course, there is a learning curve, it's hard at first, but if you stick with it….it becomes easier and really works.

Two very simple examples from just today:

1)  Parking Space….This is a big one for me, because nothing would stress me out more than finding parking. Before even heading out to someplace, I would already be sweating and stressing, just thinking about how hard it would be to find any space to put the car.

Well, today, I had to park by my son’s school and right from home, I affirmed that I would find the perfect space near the school, and that I needn’t worry about it, but that God would do it for me. Trust me…the little demons of doubt kept me busy…every time I heard one come up, I would say again…I don’t have to worry…God will do it….I am of God…I have nothing to worry about…I need and want nothing…I am whole.

I got to the school and there was nothing. I drove round the block and came back…still nothing. I just stood and waited, somewhat disappointed and deciding what I should do, and just then, lo and behold…right in front of me…a car pulled out. AMAZING!

2)      Having parked the car, I would have to while away three hours before coming back for my son. I had already planned to breakfast and hang out at a favorite little nearby diner. But when you come in there as one person, they always would seat you in the front at a little table by the window. I didn’t want that. I wanted a booth in the back, so that I could have more space for my books and laptop. As I approached the diner, through the window I noticed one booth open in the back. I went in and asked if I could have it. The waiter informed me that as one person I should sit at a single table… "I really don’t want to” I said “I see one booth open in the back…could I have that, please” Just then a waitress came by and jumped in saying “yes of course you can” AWESOME!!!!

So like I said, these are very little examples. But don’t underestimate the Truth behind them. Or as the Bible says “Despise not the days of small beginnings”

Well, here is my latest on the Law of Attraction and my finances.

Physically speaking, I am still in the red, very much so, and I am barely making ends meet. BUT…things have happened.

The first and most important change, is my mental and subsequent emotional shift.

I no longer focus on the situation. I say to myself God is my unfailing supply. I am one with God…God wants nothing…I want nothing…I am free and abundant. Right in this moment, I have all that I need.

Weirdly enough, this makes me feel at peace, AND I have been able to get all my bills paid…not right on time as I would normally like, but always before there is any disconnection or complaint…so…even though I may appear to be in debt…I have nothing to worry about.

And when you don’t worry, and you feel sure that everything is taken care of…the Law of Attraction matches that feeling…and everything IS taken care of.

And to move on to bigger things, I was on Facebook the other day, and I NEVER click on ads. But something pulled me to click on this one ad. I did. And I have discovered the most amazing Viral Blogging System that helps you make money blogging and offers an awesome affiliate program. Hello!!!!! What could be better.

So, I have set up a new blog! You will still be able to find me here, but please feel free to visit my business blog as well where I will be speaking more on the Law of Attraction and Prosperity and the Blogging business.

It will also be my home blog for my new Law of Attraction Coaching :-). I will be a certified coach before the year is out. YAY!

I look forward to seeing you there, and to reporting on all the excitement of building this new business, living my new life and watching the LOA at work.

Stay Blessed!!!

2013 in review - My Life is Changed!!!

Happy New Year Folks!!!!

Another chance to get it right!

2013 was a true year of learning and enlightenment for me. I experienced so much spiritual growth.

So 2014 for me will be the year of manifestation, completion. The year that I put everything I have learned into practice and turn my life around COMPLETELY!

It all began a year ago in January 2013, when I was taking a workshop on Feminine Power from Evolving Wisdom. This was the first time I was able to actually connect with my inner child. This was the first wall that broke down. I was able to speak to my me-child and tell her that I loved her and cared for her.

I have always thought this type of thing was hog wash, but now that I have actually experienced it, I know that it is true... 

I was up early and was saying my prayers as I glanced over and saw my six year old son fast and peacefully asleep. He looked so innocent. Suddenly I saw myself at that age. That was when my mother and I moved from Germany to go and live with my father in Nigeria. That was the turning point in my young life.

They say Rome was not built in a day. And the emotional walls we build are not built in a day either…but that was when the foundation for my walls were laid.

Over the years that followed, I built taller and thicker walls by the year. And by the time I was an adult living on my own in New York, I was numb.

Safe from every kind of feeling that would make me vulnerable….but NUMB. 

It has taken me almost 20 years to be able to open up and find some emotional freedom and peace.

That experience of meeting little Susie put a crack in the wall that allowed some sliver of Divine Love Light to shine through. Slowly over the next months, I psychically and spiritually clawed at the wall to make the crack bigger and let in more light.

Not that I was not scared…I was….I was scared of what I might find, scared of what I might feel, and scared of who I might be as a real person with feelings…this was just not someone that I knew. But something inside me knew that I had to keep working at it…I wanted the light….I felt it’s warmth…I had to break through.

I did more workshops, read more books, watched videos, listened to inspirational audios, continued my therapy, meditated when I could, read the bible, prayed…and then in October the walls that I had worked so hard to build came crashing down like the walls of Jericho… all at once.

Suddenly, out of no where, I experienced the Divine. I experienced one-ness. I felt LOVE!

Tearfully, I rejoiced….I knew the walls were gone and the pain could stop. I would be able to live free to love and be loved…without fear…I knew what it meant to say that perfect love casts out fear. My fear was cast out…I was ready to live and love. I thought this was the end of learning, but no…

…just then…to accelerate my learning, my relationship with my partner took a DRASTIC turn. Something I had always thought I expected, actually happened…..and I was floored. Weird, isn’t it, how you can be surprised by something you already thought existed?

But in spite of disenchantment, the most amazing things happened: our relationship became super-recharged, AND my love and my Spirit were taken to the next level as I was learning two very important lessons – Living in the moment, and loving unconditionally. Just BE!!!

By the time the year ended…I was a whole new person. I was born again.

Not confessing Jesus as my Lord and Savior…I had done that in October 1989. What I experienced in 2013 is Spiritual Re-Birth….my total existence, my total self-ness became new. It is of God…not removed from Him, but a part of Him, His breath in me…in Divine Complete Unconditional Love.

So 2013 was the foundation….now 2014…I am building a new building…one founded on divine love and BEing…not on pain and protection. I am not building walls…I am building a love life.

I AM and I am abiding in the Vine….with the I AM.

My Life is Changed!!! :-)

The Law of Attraction in Action

                                       

Very exciting to report!

I have been practicing the Law of Attraction over my finances for only TWO days…yes, TWO days!!!

And already I am seeing its effects.

Today I was given an unexpected $100

Let's keep it going.

I am so happy and grateful now that I am financially stable. That all my bills are PAID IN FULL!

I no longer worry about bills or debt because I am a money magnet and money comes quickly and easily to me.

                                      

J J JJ J JJ J JJ J JJ J JJ J JJ J JJ J JJ J JJ J JJ J J

Dawning! A new awakening!

(This blog is about to become really interesting)

It has been an interesting week of realizations for me;

First: Now I know why I have been at my corporate job all these years

                                         

One of my friends recently decided to follow her heart and her dream. She is leaving the comfort zone of a steady corporate paycheck, to the thrill and excitement of the unknown.

We had lunch recently and chatted over what her dreams and plans for the future were. I encouraged her with all the zeal I had, because I know all too well how very hard it is to leave a comfort zone you have outgrown and start living again. Kudos to my girl!!!

As we talked, she said she was relieved that there was someone who understood her, because many were the naysayers who were telling her to reconsider her decision, and even as I responded with my story, it became clear to me, in that moment, what I have been doing in my corporate comfort zone all these years.

It may well be that I have been here for my friends.

So many people I came to know and become friends with.

So many who were unhappy, dissatisfied and frustrated. Desperate to follow a dream or a better life that called to them.

When they had doubts I told them they COULD. I encouraged them to make the leap. To have faith and jump.

And many of them did.

I am not going to say that it was all my doing, but there is no doubt that I have spent many a moment watering the dreams of a dreamers who were just short of taking that leap. Obviously their ideas and dreams were already there. But if they voiced them to me, I was always the one who jumped up and said YES…DO IT!!!

                                                       

And so, I don’t feel so bad about my twelve years in Corporate America, which were only supposed to be three years. For all the friends I have made, for all the encouragement I was able to give when it was needed, for all the dreams I have been honored to be allowed to help nurture….

those twelve years were worth it.

No more complaints! 

Second: Now I get it…I get the I am that I am

                                   

So I am walking up Amsterdam Avenue to pick up my son from school and I was practicing “one-ness”.

Of every person, every animal, every tree – I said audibly “I am that” And suddenly, right there as I was walking, it hit me. Suddenly, I felt it. It was a very palpable shift within myself. 

The absolute truth of One-ness. That we and everything around us, are all interconnected.

Suddenly, I did not feel “us and them”, I felt I could be in their shoes. I felt love and understanding.

Difference and Dissociation felt from me like scales, and I felt open.

And it felt good.

And this too governs the Law of Attraction. We, and everything we are and want are interconnected.

We are one, and one with The One!

Vibrating at the frequency of that which we desire…makes us that…and brings us that.

Right there, it was so simple and so clear. I started to cry.

“I get it” I said looking to the heavens “I finally get it!”

And now my life truly can change.

I have been reading self improvement books since I was 16, desperately depressed and feeling like a loser. My first book was I CAN by Ben Sweetland. It made all the change in my heart. But since then, I have read hundreds of other books, have attended trainings, listened to recordings, watched films and videos. I gave my life to Christ, joined groups, ministries and have been in and out of therapy for some years now, but I still found myself depressed and lost and still feeling like a loser.

I have heard and read about the law of attraction, and have tried to put in action in my life, but….well first of all…it is ALREADY in action in my life….bringing to pass all the reality that comes from believing that I am a loser…and secondly, how I would ‘try’ to work the law of attraction, is that I would change what I was SAYING, after all there is power in the tongue, BUT, I did not change what I was FOCUSING on and how I was FEELING. (Wrong Vibrations, Wrong Frequency) So, need I tell you?...Nothing changed!

No matter how many times I learned that I am a child of God, that I am in the image of God, that God is within me and I can do all things.

No matter how many times I affirmed these. Shouted them out loud. Declared them on the roof tops. No matter! For still…I FELT….and thus manifested….failure.

                                    

But now…it has clicked, really CLICKED!!! So now, Change MUST come!

Which brings me to…

Third: It all starts with a decision

                                               

And it starts with a Decision. A decision on what I want my life to look like. A decision to practice the law.

So here’s my first decision – To lose weight.

Since the last time I mentioned my weight in this blog, I have gained at least 10lbs more.

This stops now!

Right here and now, I DECIDE to lose 12lbs by the end of the year.

That’s one pound a week…a healthy way to lose and recommended by Weight Watchers.

Now you may say, that is not something that will really evidence the law of attraction, because it is just a matter of habits.

Not True!

We are talking about a change in the way my mind works.

Remember, I have been “trying” to lose weight for some time now. I have exercised, I have dieted, I have journaled and all that good stuff. Great actions to take, but if you are not succeeding in your mind….you cannot succeed in your body.

My efforts were doomed from the start…because I was “trying” to lose weight.

In the famous words of Yoda from Star Wars: “don’t try, DO!”

                                       

That’s the point!

I never once succeeded in my mind. So ‘failure’ had to follow…that’s the law…I stopped exercising, I started eating poorly again, I did not journal and I accepted defeat. “I just can’t!”

If I make a mind shift and focus NOT on my state right now, but on the state that I want to be…it will have to happen. I will attract the support that I need, I will attract the energy, wisdom and knowledge that I need, and my body will begin to follow my mind and desire to do what it needs to fulfill that image in my mind.

SO…here we go! The change starts now!

                          

New York, New York!! The Dream is Dead…or is it?

The other day I had to go to my bank which is located in Times Square. 

Times Square, NYC

I left work early, took the subway across town and came out on Broadway at 41^st. It was the first really warm day we had this Spring so it felt really good being outside. I strolled leisurely, taking in all the sights, the tourists, the lights, the food carts, stores opening and closing, the police, TKTS, the traffic, the construction. 

The former Paramount Theatre - Now the Hard Rock Cafe

I even stopped in front of ABC studios to get the latest news headlines from the scrolling news feed and then proceeded on to take care of business.

At the bank, as often happens, I overheard two actresses talking about work, agents, theatre and such. As I waited to be attended to, I watched and listened to one of them and I began to feel the stirring emotions inside me. She looked every bit like the stereo typical actor – young, full of hopes and dreams, smooth untainted skin, hair accentuated with a weave to produce a wild seductive mane. Large sunglasses propped on the top of it to keep it from falling into her face. And a voice that, in very sing song high pitched words said “I want to do television so bad”

I looked down at my hands as I fiddled with my thumbs the way my grandmother used to do, and I identified the feeling that was welling up inside me.

I was sad. 

I used to be that girl. I too wanted to be in television. One acting coach told me if that if I wanted television, I needed to be in L.A. But I loved New York and I loved theatre, so it did not matter what she said. I was going to make it here. 

Make it? 

If that’s what you call it. I am sitting here…not an actress, but an administrative assistant. And I am sitting here, because I lost my check book and so cannot pay school fees for one of my sons. A fee that once paid, will leave me yearning for my next pay check. 

I am not wearing a mane of hair, have no sun glasses and am wearing Crocs boots that have seen me through 4 winters. 

No, this was not my idea of coming to NY and making it.

Done at the bank, I had some time to spare before picking my son up from school. So I figured I’d take my time heading back to the subway and be a tourist for a while. Back on the street level, I ventured into the Times Square Museum and Visitor Center. 

At the entrance, you are greeted with a display of the actual costumes of some of Broadways memorable characters out of Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals. I guess it would be important to mention here that he is one of my favorite contemporary composers. And if I got to play one of his pieces, I would love to play Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard. I have been playing her since I first heard the cast recording by Glenn Close and then as a brand new New Yorker, I got to see Elaine Paige play her on Broadway…Elaine Paige, whom I have loved since I was a young teenager... another dream had come true….but the ultimate dream would be to play that part…not at home, not in voice class, not in the shower or the car, but on stage.

Costumes from Sunset Boulevard, Joseph's Technicolor Dream Coat and Jesus Christ Superstar 

"Grizabella" the Glamour Cat from Cats

Eva Peron at the Casa Rosada in Evita

 

"Norma Desmond" from Sunset Boulevard

Anyway, back to the Visitor Center! There, you can see the actual New Year’s Eve Ball from 2007 which simulates the countdown in intervals, there is a “New Year's Eve Wishing Wall" which has thousands of post it notes of wishes people have made at new year’s or for the new year. 

  

The New Year's Eve Wishing Wall - You can still add your hopes and dreams for next year!

There are actual peepshow booths that made Times Square notorious back in the day.

You can go in and watch a show...although it's not x-rated

The original Peep Machine

And there is a film news reel showing the history of Times Square which you can sit and watch. And there are friendly people who answer any question you may have about what to see and do in New York.

It was a wonderful feeling being in there. It made me feel like I felt when I first arrived in New York some 17 years ago. I had fallen in love with New York long before that, but actually getting here and actually walking the streets of New York was a most amazing dream come true to me. 

I was in awe of everything. 

It was exactly as I had imagined it, exactly what I wanted and exactly where I wanted to be. When my father heard of my decision not to return home to Nigeria, he said I had been blinded by the bright lights of this city. He was right! But what he didn't know is that being here was just the inevitable manifestation of my childhood fantasy which he himself actually helped create when he brought me a book about NY from one of his frequent business trips to the States.

I walked back to the subway, hurting and exhilarated at the same time. 

I still love New York,

I still feel the dream. 

But when I look at my life I don’t see the dream…is it gone? 

Is the dream dead? 

Or can it live again?

I am here in the city that I love, but I am not thriving. 

This was not the dream.

Can I actually experience New York the way I really wanted to all those years ago? A young girl in love with movies singing along with Liza Minnelli….